My wife (37F) got a new job 4.5 months ago. She also made some new friends. I (36M) didn’t really like them. They were all hardcore feminists, professional victim SJW types. They are women who will yell at you for opening the door for them… or for not opening it for them. You can’t win either way.
In the beginning, I sort of laughed it off. But during the last two months, I noticed disturbing changes in my wife. We have been married for 11 years and have two kids: a 10-year-old daughter and an 8-year-old son.
It got worse and worse. She would accuse me of all kinds of nonsense, like saying I was born evil because men suppressed women historically. Whatever I did for her — things she would normally appreciate — was suddenly a reason to have a fight. It was all nonsense. I tried to be patient. These arguments would usually end with me saying something like, “But I haven’t done anything bad towards you. The only thing I’m guilty of is loving you.” It would usually send her murmuring. Then the next day, she would be back, trying the same thing again with slightly different arguments.
About 5 weeks ago, I got this sharp gut feeling that something was seriously wrong. She came back late at night without telling me she would be late. I couldn’t reach her phone. She was rather drunk and acted distant and cold. The next day, she would just be dismissive and tell me I was being controlling, that I read too much into things. This happened a few more times.
I tried to snoop on her phone but didn’t find anything definite. I suspected she deleted a lot of her messages. I did find a thread with one of her new friends — they were discussing how she would approach me, asking for an open relationship. I immediately knew what my instincts were telling me: she was cheating.
In the thread, my wife said she would talk to me about it on the second Monday of December. My kids were with their grandparents to celebrate Christmas. We were scheduled to both join them today.
She tried to start the conversation during breakfast, like it was just a thought, asking me what I thought about an open relationship. Luckily, I was prepared. I had been reading a lot on Reddit and knew there was really no way of saving this. My best possible outcome was to get out of this with some sliver of pride and self-esteem intact. From here on out, it was all about protecting myself and the kids.
I didn’t scream or yell. I just went directly into jaw-clenched interrogation mode. She was all cocky up until this point, but that evaporated immediately when she saw the look on my face.
Me: “Who is he?”
She: “What do you mean?” (tries to look innocent)
Me: “If you want to have this conversation with me, don’t treat me like an idiot. At least you can be honest. If you can’t be honest, what’s the point of this conversation?”
She: “What do you mean?”
Me: “If you lie to me now, we cannot have the discussion you want to have about our relationship. I can tell you are hiding something. It’s obvious. So who is the guy?”
She: “I am not…”
Me: “Oh my God, it’s more than one.”
She: (silence)
Me: “Don’t lie. You have just totally destroyed my trust in you. Either you are honest and we talk this through, or I will divorce you. Our marriage ends right now. No arguments. No discussion. No nothing. Just divorce. Do you understand?”
She: (nodding) “I… I… I understand.”
She proceeded to tell me about two one-night stands while out with her friends. I asked about their names, if they were married, if they wore protection, etc. Both were married men with kids. Then she told me she was planning to sleep with a co-worker at work, and that she intended to pursue this since “it’s good for her,” and that I didn’t have any right to control her.
I asked for her phone. She showed me the pattern to open it. While she went to the bathroom, I locked myself in my office. She freaked out and started banging on the door. I ran recovery software on the phone for deleted content and ended up with lots of painful evidence. Thirty minutes later, I also installed a spying app from an online service.
When I came out, I gave her the phone and told her to leave. She argued a lot. I didn’t respond much beyond single-word responses. She didn’t seem remorseful at all. She yelled that I was “acting controlling” and “holding her back like men always held women back,” that “I never loved her,” and that “she had every right to do this.” I just packed her stuff while she circled, yelling at me.
At the front door, I stood silently until she ran out of steam. I told her, “You are single now. You can do whatever you want. I’m not controlling you anymore.” When she turned to respond, I slammed and locked the door.
I later watched as she discussed it with her friends. They were telling her how strong she was, how she deserved better than me, and that it was “empty threats” from my side — that I wouldn’t go through with it. One of her friends explained how she had screwed over her ex-husband by accusing him of domestic abuse and taking everything from him.
I ordered cameras to put up at my house. I realized: I had to record everything.
Later, she messaged her affair partner (AP) to meet up. They agreed to meet at a hotel. I was absolutely stunned.
I found AP’s wife on Facebook. I told her everything, including the ongoing activity at the hotel. She thanked me and hung up. A few hours later, I received a video from her. She had gone to the motel, confronted them, and filmed my wife getting dressed on the bed. I threw up when I saw it.
I texted my wife: “I saw the video from the hotel. I never want you near me ever again.”
She didn’t stop. She kept trying to contact me. I logged onto my wife’s family WhatsApp group and informed them we were divorcing due to her infidelity. Then I left the group.
My parents are fully supporting me. My father even messaged her telling her she wasn’t welcome for Christmas. I am staying at my parents’ house now, crying my soul out. My boss gave me time off until mid-January to sort things out.
I’ve been monitoring her frantic discussions with her friends. I don’t think she has realized she lost her family, her marriage, and that her new “friends” and AP don’t give a damn about her.
The pain is absolutely unbearable at times. I wish this had never happened. I wish I could go back — but I can’t.
I explained to the kids: “Mommy doesn’t want to be a family anymore. She wants to be with other men. We are getting a divorce.”
They are distraught. Luckily, my parents shower them with love while I am an absolute mess.
I only responded twice to her messages:
- “It doesn’t matter what you say. I don’t know who you are. You are not my wife. My wife would never destroy my heart and soul while smiling. We will get a divorce. You have no influence or right to demand anything from me ever again. We are over.”
- “Like I said, you are not my wife. I don’t know you. My wife would never condemn our children to the pain and suffering of growing up in a broken home. You — whoever you are — seem to be proud of what you have done. My wife was loving, caring, and considerate — my best friend. You are a self-obsessed, self-absorbed abomination.”
The messages stopped after that.
I know now I can never go back to her. The disrespect and callousness are unforgivable.
This is the worst Christmas ever.
I don’t understand her behavior. I don’t understand how she still expects anything from me.
Maybe she is mentally ill. Maybe she’s just too far gone.
I just know I have to protect myself and my kids, and start a new life.
